I am from a family of musicians and I love to sing. In November 2012 I took my talent to the next level when my best friend convinced me to put a video of myself singing on the infamous YouTube. Based on the response I got, I began recording myself singing covers of popular songs and uploading them to YouTube for my family and friends to enjoy, and continue to do so. My videos have over 34,000 views and my cover of "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato skyrocketed immediately and has hit over 30,000 views.
Right around the age of thirteen, I began exploring the world more than I ever had. I had always been sheltered. So I decided that I really didn't need God; that I wanted to find out what the world had to offer. I sinned in different ways; lying, cheating, being rude, selfish and unforgiving. I disconnected myself from God. I sought love from guys around me, I threw myself at them hoping for love, or some sort of satisfaction in life. It only lasted a little while. I was wounded, and my heart hurt and felt as if it were torn in two. I would come home crying every night, asking God why no man could ever love me. Right when I needed friends the most, was when I felt most abandoned. I felt everyone loved "the other girls." No one liked scrawny ole me.
Then, the self-worth problems began to kick in.
Being exceptionally tall for my age, I have always been a bit heavier than others. I was always self-conscious about my weight, but after my heart had gone through so much pain, I just began condemning myself, hating everything about myself. I tried to loose weight, but because I am a fanatic for food, never could bring myself to do it.
Right around the time when I was at my lowest point, covered in a muck of dirty sin, I was hit with the question "If I died right now, would I go to heaven?" That question had come out of the blue. Answering it in my head, I freaked because the realization came to me that I didn't know. I had always called myself a Christian, and I had asked God into my heart when I was young. Since I grew up with a hardcore Christ-loving family, I kind of thought I was protected by this wall of Jesus saving power or something. I began, slowly but surely, to look at the sin I was wading in and ask God to remove it. I had to get rid of it. I no longer wanted it.
I never felt Him talking to me, I felt like He was ignoring me. But I pressed on Him. I was desperate for a second chance.
In November of 2012, my youth group had a youth conference. It was titled "The Glorious Truth" and we talked about how no matter what, God is always there. I mostly tuned out, until the last night of the conference. I felt something was dwelling in the room, and I couldn't figure out what it was. Suddenly, it hit me. Jesus was in the room. As soon as I realized that, an explosion of Himself blew throughout the room. I began to cry, harder than I had ever cried. I finally felt what it was like to have Jesus hold me and tell me that He had removed my pain, my burdens. It is the best feeling in the world.
I had let go.
Since then, I've been growing in small ways, I think. The certainty I felt that God was there has drifted in and out of my life. I've had days when I know His arms were around me and that He'd never let me go. I've had other days when I felt so alone, like I didn't have a friend in the world. When the tears just don't stop. When the lies and words of crap are filling my head. When I just want to die. But it's in those moments, I have to tell myself: you're not alone. You are NEVER alone. He is always there.
But hey. I still feel fat. I still feel worthless. I still feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated.
But those thoughts and feelings should not overcome me.
I am strong in Him who created me, and gives me strength.
So, if anything, let my story be an encouragement to you that you are not the only one.
Everything you think is a huge deal in your life, someone else is going through it right now. You are not alone.
God, for sure, has you in His hand. And you can believe that He's got a plan.
-Cari
Then, the self-worth problems began to kick in.
Being exceptionally tall for my age, I have always been a bit heavier than others. I was always self-conscious about my weight, but after my heart had gone through so much pain, I just began condemning myself, hating everything about myself. I tried to loose weight, but because I am a fanatic for food, never could bring myself to do it.
Right around the time when I was at my lowest point, covered in a muck of dirty sin, I was hit with the question "If I died right now, would I go to heaven?" That question had come out of the blue. Answering it in my head, I freaked because the realization came to me that I didn't know. I had always called myself a Christian, and I had asked God into my heart when I was young. Since I grew up with a hardcore Christ-loving family, I kind of thought I was protected by this wall of Jesus saving power or something. I began, slowly but surely, to look at the sin I was wading in and ask God to remove it. I had to get rid of it. I no longer wanted it.
I never felt Him talking to me, I felt like He was ignoring me. But I pressed on Him. I was desperate for a second chance.
In November of 2012, my youth group had a youth conference. It was titled "The Glorious Truth" and we talked about how no matter what, God is always there. I mostly tuned out, until the last night of the conference. I felt something was dwelling in the room, and I couldn't figure out what it was. Suddenly, it hit me. Jesus was in the room. As soon as I realized that, an explosion of Himself blew throughout the room. I began to cry, harder than I had ever cried. I finally felt what it was like to have Jesus hold me and tell me that He had removed my pain, my burdens. It is the best feeling in the world.
I had let go.
Since then, I've been growing in small ways, I think. The certainty I felt that God was there has drifted in and out of my life. I've had days when I know His arms were around me and that He'd never let me go. I've had other days when I felt so alone, like I didn't have a friend in the world. When the tears just don't stop. When the lies and words of crap are filling my head. When I just want to die. But it's in those moments, I have to tell myself: you're not alone. You are NEVER alone. He is always there.
But hey. I still feel fat. I still feel worthless. I still feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated.
But those thoughts and feelings should not overcome me.
I am strong in Him who created me, and gives me strength.
So, if anything, let my story be an encouragement to you that you are not the only one.
Everything you think is a huge deal in your life, someone else is going through it right now. You are not alone.
God, for sure, has you in His hand. And you can believe that He's got a plan.
-Cari
